“Ponto Sex XXL” and Other Tales From the Google Search Box
One of my favorite things to do in the whole world wide interweb is to check the Google statistics for my website. The statistic that brings me the greatest pleasure is being able to see the specific Google searches that have led people to look at my website and photoblog. Sometimes the searches are generic, sometimes they are puzzling, sometimes they are hilarious, and sometimes they are downright dirty. I’ve decided to share a few of my favorites and to do a little digging. That is, find out how exactly these searches have led to my website by typing the words into Google and Google image search myself.
“ponto sex xxl”
One of the most frequent searches I’ve seen over the past couple years has been various variations of sex ponto, ponto sex, and ponto sex xxl. It turns out Ponto is Portuguese for Point or Spot and that Ponto Sex is a common name for Portuguese and Brazilian sex shops and websites (another fun related fact is that Ponto G is Portuguese for G Spot and I have finally found my rapper name). The post misdirecting so many sex shop seekers to my website is one of the first entries I ever made: Adventures of Paparazzi Ponto: Sex and The City Party.
Ponto Sex XXL herself as seen in the post in question.
“nude hot springs”
Another common search that sends people to my website is nude hot springs (or nude girls at hot springs, or more specifically hot nude girls at hot springs). The offending post is of course The $86 Fine in which a cohort and I were photographed engaging in prohibited activities at Lussier River Hot Springs.
I’m still trying to imagine what folks are actually looking for when they search pussy pants and instead end up on my post Filthy McNasty: Or, The Secret Lives of Road Clothes which showcases the glamour of the independent touring musician’s suitcase.
“describe what asexual looks like”
I never thought of myself as a poster girl for asexuality until I discovered people were Google searching describe what asexual looks like and ending up on a photo of me wearing a pair of pink silk long johns in a Yukon hunting camp from the entry 5 Things I Like Less Than Being in a Plane Crash.
I’m no Dr. Sue or Dan Savage, but I have been considering adding Sex Educator to my business card because I get an awful lot of traffic to my website from people searching for sex lessons, safe sex, or safe sex lessons. Unfortunately for the lesson seekers, I only have one on offer so far – Phallique’s Safe Sex Lesson.
Having never taken a photo depicting the real live death of someone, it both puzzled and disturbed me to discover that people were arriving at my website by Google searching gun snuff. I’m well aware of the fact that the internet filter at my mother’s workplace blocks my website as pornographic material for what I can only assume is the occasional nudity and curse-drop, but for it to be considered snuff is something else! In any case, a quick Google image search revealed the culprit – a photo taken once upon a Miss Quincy tour stop in a place called Snuffville, Ontario.
“jesus light of the world”
I don’t want to get crazy here and declare my blog bigger than Jesus, but it is quite an internet feat that Google searching a biblical phrase like jesus light of the world would lead people to stumble upon a picture of the Bornday cake I baked for ol’ Jesus this past Christmas in the post Happy Bornday Jesus: And Other Festive Baking Adventures.
(If you like this post check out “I Ate an Entire Box of Kraft Dinner Because I was so Depressed You Didn’t Call” and Other Tales From the Text Box)