When winter starts to rear her S.A.D. head one of the best things you can do is find a hobby to wile away the deep dark days with. That in mind, I have recently taken to sending good old fashioned letters that have been written with scissors & paste.
For a closer read click on the photos or check out the transcripts below them.
I’m trippin’ with the shamanoid in Bangkok…
This weekend we saw folk ass bitch music and jazz in a tube at the Hard Rock Cafe.
Tonight I am going to live it up with the local Chinese pleasure provider
who is accomplished in hand jobs and pigeon sex.
Tomorrow I am busy hunting the narwhal.
Have a sweet year.
It was horrifying to read that you like to quench your lust with
50 shades of sex play with Mr. Senior Top Dominance and Mr. Baldnutz.
Interlude with dwarves …..
Despite the curse of the redneck fight to death,
death rates are down in Rocket City.
Viewed through the eyes of evolution, it is because one day in the year 800
The Urban Clan of Pilgrim Cowboys
Released the elusive okapi into Harry Potter’s garden.
Keep on rolling.
Let’s meet in a seedy hotel in France,
Or a back-alley back in the USSR
For one fast and furious moment of pleasure.
Making your head spin with hard lipstick kisses
Before opening my feminine flesh
For your massive cock.
And then smelling of sweaty sex,
I will offer you a cigarette.
Here are a few new gems straight from my cellular device’s inbox. To check out past Tales From The Text Box see: “I Ate an Entire Box of Kraft Dinner Because I was so Depressed You Didn’t Call” or “Vomit and Urine Right in Your Face” or “Feels Like I Deepthroated The Dick of Death Himself”.
- “I can now say with absolute certainty that Prince had a direct impact on the hottest sex of my life.” – 12:15am, February 5
- “Overheard quote of the night: ‘You just fucked me dry, like fucking sandpaper.’” – 1:53am, March 10
- “P.S. I’m pooing in a public bathroom as I text this to you.” – 7:47pm, May 17
- “Missed your call, my phone is grounded and not allowed to come out of the bedroom. It’s hanging out on the window sill with a crowd of ants dancing in poison.” – 9:57 pm, May 25
- “The cum towel is now fresh and clean. Kinda hated to clean it … I’m sentimental that way.” – 10:13pm, May 27
- “Her heart is in her pants?” – 1:13am, June 11
- “I just came from a campfire where people were throwing axes and spears at targets.” – 2:17am, June 11
- “You’re so lucky I don’t know how to text photos because I would have had to take a pic of the most giant poo I had in the handicap bathroom.” – 11:21am, June 14
- “It appears as though time and lack of glorious long hair has not diminished my effect on older women. I just barely survived the attack of a particularly vicious cougar named Ruby. I fear that had one of her legs not been entombed in a walking boot I’d be currently handcuffed to a vibrating bed in a seedy motel somewhere in the Surrey area.” – 9:28pm, June 17
- “Baby, you can operate my disco stick with skill and grace and make it shoot straight and true … I really just wanted to use the phrase ‘disco stick.’” – 3:50pm, June 20
- “I just found out that the term ‘rustic accommodations’ means sleeping outside on the porch with a storm blowing in.” – 6:13pm, June 23
- ” It’s a whole different world out here but an unlimited supply of bellinis helps. Actually, I’m drinking BROlinis, which is the same thing only in a less homo sexual glass.” – 10:04pm, June 25
- “Mmmm. Whiskey and porn. Now that’s what I call a Tuesday afternoon.” – 5:13pm, June 26
- “I am working hard putting the finishing touches on songs for tonight. Currently working on one called Drunken College Same Sex Experimentation.” – 12:01pm, June 29
- “That was the first time I ever had a bum swab. That was weird.” – 1:30pm, July 4
- “Just found my thong in my pocket from when I put it there this morning. I’m already at Stampede though. I’m gonna get drunk and throw it onstage.” – 9:25pm, July 5
- “My vag just passed a clean bill of health. I think I’ll take it out for a fish taco and an ice cream!” – July 11, 1:54pm
- “Hungover, last night’s clothing, diva cup in my pocket. My walk of shame has never been so classy.” – 11:29am, July 13.
- “And the countdown to my throbbing cock is taking too long.” – 10:06am, July 21
- “What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, stuck up bitches.” – 3:24pm, Aug 23
Some of you might wonder how I manage to survive on the income of an independent band manager and a photographer … Well, it’s only because I’ve been making a little extra cash on the side working as a freelance greeting card designer for Hallmark. As a Bornday present to myself I’ve decided to show a retrospective of some of my best work.
Here are a few new gems straight from my cellular device’s inbox. To check out past Tales From The Text Box see: “I Ate an Entire Box of Kraft Dinner Because I was so Depressed You Didn’t Call” or “Vomit and Urine Right in Your Face”.
- “Btw, I fully support the oral sex wench idea.” – 5:33pm, November 30
- “I’ve been tossing out come hither looks all day but no one’s taking the bait.” – 1:05pm, December 9
- “Good morning! I’m sick as fuck. Feels like I deepthroated the dick of Death himself.” – 9:27am, December 17
- “A lady just asked me if the scarves were made out of sherpa. That’s not even an animal.” – 8:45am, December 18
- “Did I go too far? Your silence in unnerving.” – 10:33am, December 18
- “And other fab news … Christ’s album arrived today. The perfect gift for friends or family!” – 12:43pm, December 21
- “We r at church.” – 1:05pm, December 29
- “GP!!! And that does not stand for giant poop.” – 1:04pm, December 30
- “DC. And I do not mean dilation and cuterage. Rest assured, no one has had an abortion today.” – 3:07pm, December 30
- “My thread count and sperm count are very high.” – 8:08pm, January 6
- “Hmmm … A cute pair of fishnets frozen in the driveway noted after your departure.” – 11:59am, January 8
- “Take it slow? Maybe she should take it up the ass and shut the fuck up.” – 9:30pm, January 17
- “Good news is my pants are still on. And now we’re drinking caesars.” – 1:02pm, January 21
Meet The Resurrect Christ Foundation, my favorite post-voodoo shock-folk band that is also a not-for-profit society advocating for the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth. They’re just about to release a new album called Lest Ye Sin.
Their website lives here, check it out or burn in hell: www.theresurrectchristfoundation.com
“One day, while practicing tantric long division, Josh had a musical vision that would push the boundaries of contemporary music to their absolute limit. A true multi-instrumentalist, he felt that by combining all of the instruments he owned, borrowed, stole, or created, he could produce the ultimate, boundless soundscape. That didn’t work, so he recorded the ‘Little Sins’ album instead…”
“Jared rides entirely on the coat-tails of his brother Josh. He has no discernible musical talent, yet somehow manages to make a contribution. His caustic wit, along with his effervescent personality and nearly unmanageable sex-appeal, keeps him in the band. When asked what he does, he simply points at the guitar and says ‘that’. Talk about the strong silent type…”
“Mark refuses to play live with the band, calling them a ragtag collection of talentless hacks. He prefers the studio sessions, whereby he can be in complete control of all the elements required to lay down the exquisite tracks necessary to propel the simplistic tunes into the extremes of sexsonic greatness. His technique varies between dulcet and intoxicated…”
Behind The Scenes
Now that’s a res-erection.
Walking with Christ.
Let your hair down if you love Jesus.
I haven’t heard much of a peep from Mister Quincy and his right-hand lady Righty since our paths crossed in the UK last spring (I was on the Euro road with Miss Quincy and her left-hand man Tyler “Lefty” Toews and the dastardly duo just happened to be on tour at the same time promoting Mister Q’s last effort Your Daddy Don’t Like Me).
It turns out Mister Quincy and Righty have been busy in the studio recording Mister Q’s brand new effort Your Daddy Don’t Like Me Like The Devil Does. They recently asked me to do the promo photos for the upcoming album’s release and tour. Here’s a sneak peak: