Jodie Ponto Photography

St. What’s Basilica?  Leaning Tower of Where?  Anne Who’s House?   Spending 4 weeks getting intimate & interactive with the rest stops, service stations, driving conditions, and road rules of Europe was not exactly what my 18 year old self had in mind when she first set out across the Atlantic all those years ago with her Mountain Equipment Co-op backpack, Eurorail pass, and quick-dry travel pants.

This is what the Autobahn, Autosnelweg, Autoroute, and Autostrada look like through the windshield of Miss Quincy & The Showdown‘s English rental van:

Calais, France

Autosnelweg Windmills, the Netherlands

Autobahn Ausfahrt, Germany

Autostrada Porn, Italy

Country Road, the Netherlands

Rainy Autostrada, Italy

Autostrada Tunnel, Italy

Autostrada Alps, Italy

Autoroute Canola Fields, France

Autoroute Sunset, France

Here are a few new gems straight from my cellular device’s inbox.  To check out past Tales From The Text Box see:  “I Ate an Entire Box of Kraft Dinner Because I was so Depressed You Didn’t Call” or “Vomit and Urine Right in Your Face” or “Feels Like I Deepthroated The Dick of Death Himself”.

• “I can now say with absolute certainty that Prince had a direct impact on the hottest sex of my life.” – 12:15am, February 5

• “Overheard quote of the night: ‘You just fucked me dry, like fucking sandpaper.’” – 1:53am, March 10

• “P.S. I’m pooing in a public bathroom as I text this to you.” – 7:47pm, May 17

• “Missed your call, my phone is grounded and not allowed to come out of the bedroom. It’s hanging out on the window sill with a crowd of ants dancing in poison.” – 9:57 pm, May 25

• “The cum towel is now fresh and clean. Kinda hated to clean it … I’m sentimental that way.” – 10:13pm, May 27

• “Her heart is in her pants?” – 1:13am, June 11

• “I just came from a campfire where people were throwing axes and spears at targets.” – 2:17am, June 11

• “You’re so lucky I don’t know how to text photos because I would have had to take a pic of the most giant poo I had in the handicap bathroom.” – 11:21am, June 14

• “It appears as though time and lack of glorious long hair has not diminished my effect on older women. I just barely survived the attack of a particularly vicious cougar named Ruby. I fear that had one of her legs not been entombed in a walking boot I’d be currently handcuffed to a vibrating bed in a seedy motel somewhere in the Surrey area.” – 9:28pm, June 17

• “Baby, you can operate my disco stick with skill and grace and make it shoot straight and true … I really just wanted to use the phrase ‘disco stick.’” – 3:50pm, June 20

• “I just found out that the term ‘rustic accommodations’ means sleeping outside on the porch with a storm blowing in.” – 6:13pm, June 23

• ” It’s a whole different world out here but an unlimited supply of bellinis helps. Actually, I’m drinking BROlinis, which is the same thing only in a less homo sexual glass.” – 10:04pm, June 25

• “Mmmm. Whiskey and porn. Now that’s what I call a Tuesday afternoon.” – 5:13pm, June 26

• “I am working hard putting the finishing touches on songs for tonight. Currently working on one called Drunken College Same Sex Experimentation.”  – 12:01pm, June 29

• “That was the first time I ever had a bum swab. That was weird.” – 1:30pm, July 4

• “Just found my thong in my pocket from when I put it there this morning. I’m already at Stampede though. I’m gonna get drunk and throw it onstage.” – 9:25pm, July 5

• “My vag just passed a clean bill of health. I think I’ll take it out for a fish taco and an ice cream!” – July 11, 1:54pm

• “Hungover, last night’s clothing, diva cup in my pocket. My walk of shame has never been so classy.” – 11:29am, July 13.

• “And the countdown to my throbbing cock is taking too long.” – 10:06am, July 21

• “What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, stuck up bitches.” – 3:24pm, Aug 23

Here are a few new gems straight from my cellular device’s inbox.  To check out past Tales From The Text Box see:  “I Ate an Entire Box of Kraft Dinner Because I was so Depressed You Didn’t Call” or “Vomit and Urine Right in Your Face”.

• “Btw, I fully support the oral sex wench idea.” – 5:33pm, November 30

• “I’ve been tossing out come hither looks all day but no one’s taking the bait.” – 1:05pm, December 9

• “Good morning! I’m sick as fuck. Feels like I deepthroated the dick of Death himself.” – 9:27am, December 17

• “A lady just asked me if the scarves were made out of sherpa. That’s not even an animal.” – 8:45am, December 18

• “Did I go too far? Your silence in unnerving.” – 10:33am, December 18

• “And other fab news … Christ’s album arrived today. The perfect gift for friends or family!” – 12:43pm, December 21

• “We r at church.” – 1:05pm, December 29

• “GP!!! And that does not stand for giant poop.” – 1:04pm, December 30

• “DC. And I do not mean dilation and cuterage. Rest assured, no one has had an abortion today.” – 3:07pm, December 30

• “My thread count and sperm count are very high.” – 8:08pm, January 6

• “Hmmm … A cute pair of fishnets frozen in the driveway noted after your departure.” – 11:59am, January 8

• “Take it slow? Maybe she should take it up the ass and shut the fuck up.” – 9:30pm, January 17

• “Good news is my pants are still on. And now we’re drinking caesars.” – 1:02pm, January 21

Once upon sometime last year I was feeling lazy on the photo front and posted a collection of received text messages I found hiding in the bowels of my cellphone’s inbox because when taken out of context they were straight up amusing and sometimes even downright dirty (See “I Ate an Entire Box of Kraft Dinner Because I was so Depressed You Didn’t Call” and Other Tales From the Text Box).  It’s time to do it again.

• “Love you, even with a moustache, pilot’s cap, and pounding on an organ.” – 7pm, August 27

• “So, I finally got the balls to look at my insurance … It ran out on the 11th … Oops.” – 10:01am, August 28

• “The Boner Brothers.” – 4:27pm, September 17

• “How are your leopard boobs?” – 2:21pm, September 30

• “You must’ve caught me in the shower (Insert your own graphic and/or erotic imagery).” – 8:15pm, October 14

• “Barring a horrible bus tragedy I’ll be there soon-ish” – 12:03pm, October 15

• “How goes the protest photoing? Any water hosing, excessive batonings, or tear gassing yet?” – 1:02pm, October 15

• “Damn you! I’m supposed to be indecisive and swayed by the majority!” – 7:46pm, October 15

• “Oh I can’t do Jackass. I didn’t even make it through the last 2 … They hurt the little bit of brain I have left.” – 8:00pm, October 16

• “Yep. Vomit and urine right in yer face.” – 8:10pm, October 16

• “Super dee duper, initiate pants sequence stat!” –10:46am, October 18

• “On my way. Take off your pants.” – 11:39am, October 24

• “Give him an ass cheek validation from me.” – 4:23pm, October 29

• “… And I have to poo.” – 5:40pm, October 30

• “I can’t believe your boobies are on the internet! Ahhhhh!” – 11:14pm, October 30

• “Ooo, I love hair panties.” – 12:54pm, November 14

• ” … I hate everything he does and his guitar playing makes me puke in my mouth.” – 9:55pm, November 17

• “[He] is violating the purples right now.” – 4:39pm, November 20

Recently I found myself on an epic purge that saw me delete the entire contents of my cellular device’s received text message storage box. I also found that a great deal of these messages, when taken straight from the text box and out of context, were pretty freakin’ hilarious and sometimes seemed downright dirty.  Perhaps you’ll recognize yourself or someone you know in these quotes.

“Tap my ass and call me Sheila!” – 1:55am, October 15, 2009

“Are you going to shave me dry Barbarella?” – 1:57am, October 15, 2009

“Merry Friggin’ Christmas.” – 11:58am, December 25, 2009

“It’s a curth, I know – I’ve had to start drinking testosterone and watching monster truck racing.” – 9:40pm, January 28, 2010

“Knees are a bit sore but all positive. I need to keep working on my rhythm.” – 1:59am, February 17, 2010

“Pull him into the rest room and lick his beautiful face for me.” – 8:51pm, March 6, 2010

“In the parking lot sucking cock.” – 10:53pm, March 12, 2010

“I think I’m going to have to revoke a spandex permit or two here at the Hair Bin.” – 2:43pm, April 3, 2010

“I like your attitude. You are today’s recipient of the flattering legwear award.” – 2:57pm, April 3, 2010

“I just bought a pair of sequined purple shorts at a garage sale!!!!!!!!!!” – 2:18pm, May 29, 2010

“P.S. I’m watching Dirty Dancing.” – 5:42pm, June 5, 2010

“I ate an entire box of Kraft Dinner because I was so depressed you didn’t call. BTW, it was white cheddar ” – 9:46pm, July 4, 2010

“Finnish my chocolate milk.” – 1:14pm, July 20, 2010

“Remind me to send you the next installment of Wladyko’s erotica. you’re in it too!” – 7:50pm, August 4, 2010

“I just stepped outside the library and realized that this is the ugliest fucking town around. And I’m not even in a bad mood, it just is …” – 6:46pm, August 12, 2010

“U better get ur sweet ass 2 that bus station now!” – 8:09am, August 15, 2010